i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
