I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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