Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Randomize
