who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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