I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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