how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
