I must be too annoying 4 u.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
