i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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