tell your sister to shave her snatch
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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