my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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