I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
