I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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