A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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