listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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