people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
