Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize