2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
