a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
