Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
