please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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