ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
