someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
