All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
