i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize