I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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