She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
