I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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