you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
