basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
