I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Houston, we have a squirter
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
