Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize