i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
