I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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