ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
