I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
now i know why i became what i already was.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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