Apparently you make a good broom.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize