really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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