I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
