My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
