im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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