if only i could text you this smell
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My ass is underappreciated
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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