I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
