you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
