i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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