I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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