when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Congratulations! We have a period
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