I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
