I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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