Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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