She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
