What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
