I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize