i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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