Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
