Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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