Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
