i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
