It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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