I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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