Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
