Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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