1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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