you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
