Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
